Threat level has been set to Bats!

Hunter S Thompson saw bats over his head in the Nevada desert and knew that some heavy shit was going down.

Well, I thought they were bats, but I've got Blackhawks hovering over my head. So you know that either I'm really stoned, really crazy, or there is some heavy shit going down.


Or possibly all three.

Andy Dick doing coke

Spacey Pouches

Look carefully at paparazzi photos of LA celeb
girls. You'll often see rounded cheekbones
in very thin faces. This is the result of too
much Restalyn filler - currently a popular
non-surgical, face-lifting treat, even amongt
those barely out of their teens. These curvy
cheeks are known in the town as "Spacey Pouches",
after the Oscar-winning actor who, luckily
for him, has this look naturally.

The Pussycat Dolls suck, and not in the good way

Ok, so last night I watched The Next Pussycat Doll....who are these crazy bitches? Sure, they're hot, but they are such horrible people. They're all cussing each other and they say things like "Some people act like being a diva is a bad thing." and "That bitch ate a whole creme brulee and she's supposed to be on the Atkin's diet. Fatkins diet is more like it." There's even an episode titled "She dances like a drag queen." None of these chicks can sing or even dance. There's this one woman who founded the Pussycat Dolls. So that makes her the big Pussy, right? So Big Pussy has to be at least 50 years old. And she's wearing these teeny little tshirts that would have been sexy on her, like, 4 liposuctions ago. She has all this silicon or something in her face, under her skin. It sort of looks like an African wasp laid it's eggs in her cheekbones and they are about to hatch.

I'm sorry it took me so long too notice how horrible TV has become. I really hadn't been watching this crap for the last few years, because, well, I had a life. But now that I've been to rehab I've got a lot of free time on my hands, especially at night. Plus, we finally got satellite TV up here in the compound. I was afraid of getting it before, because I thought the government mind control rays were being broadcast on it, but now that I've stopped shooting datura into my eyeballs I've come to realize that was just crazy talk.

Tonya Harding Update

Ever wonder what Tonya Harding is doing? Well she's living in a trailer, taking "new medication" and seeing animals. She has also gained a lot of weight and become a "fat ass".

I was poking around and found out her official website has a collection of erotic fiction stories about her.

Clark County sheriff's deputies responded to two calls early Sunday morning involving Harding.

Police reports described Harding as "very agitated" and "tweaking out."

According to a police report, Harding said four men and a woman tried to break into her car and steal it shortly after 5 a.m. In his report, the deputy wrote that Harding's account was "very implausible."

Harding told police she was on "new medication" and was experiencing an adverse reaction.

Later that same morning, police received another call regarding Harding, this time from a friend who told authorities the skater was "seeing animals."

The deputy took Harding back to her trailer and checked her home to "put her at ease."

Blues Traveller Busted

John Popper got busted doing over 100 miles an hour. The Pigcops who trampled on his rights found many secret compartments in the SUV filled with weapons and a little bit of weed.

KOMO-TV - Seattle, Washington - News - Troopers clock 'Blues Traveler' singer's SUV going more than 100 mph: "The vehicle also had flashing emergency headlights, a siren and a public address system, the Patrol said.

'Popper indicated to troopers that he had installed these items in his vehicle because (in the event of a natural disaster) he didn't want to be left behind,' the Patrol said."

Nicole Richie licking coke residue off a mirror

Ah, don't you wish you were rich and famous? Then people would be putting pictures of everything you do on the web. Link.

Lindsay Lohan escapes rehab

It also looks like she's got a cocktail in her hand.

Lindsay Lohan, rehab in Wonderland

Apparently the place where Lindsay Lohan is in rehab is the same place pornstar John Holmes is alleged to have killed someone.

Located in the hills of L.A.'s famed Laurel Canyon, Wonderland shares its name with Wonderland Drive, a local street—and site of the infamous 1981 quadruple murder that saw porn legend John Holmes implicated. The Holmes case was retold in a 2003 film, also named Wonderland.

Link.

Tara Reid loves "House Music"

Tara Reid has been partying in Australia
over the New Year. One afternoon she and
her entourage wandered into a small Byron
Bay DVD rental store. "Do you have any
house music?" asked the actress. The
shop clerk looked confused and told her
that they didn't sell CDs, she should try
down the road. "No, but do you have any
HOUSE MUSIC" tried Tara again. When he shook
his head again, Tara left. A few minutes
later one of her people came back in the
store and pleaded with the clerk for some
house music before leaving in despair.

That night the DVD guy was recounting his
story in a local bar. He was told that another
DVD store sold drugs on the quiet, and that
"house music" meant you wanted some ecstasy.

Ex-Cop makes dvd showing you how to never get busted

The Fourth Amendment.
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Ali G in "Who Want's to Win an Ounce?"

Video here.