Maxwell Hammer's shared items

Thursday, May 31, 2007

If you had to choose...

If someone held a gun to your head and said you had to have sex with either Britney, Paris or Lindsay, which would you choose? And not back when they were hot and disease free, but now.

Britney has cleaned herself up since this last pic, but still....she's got kids. You might end up being a stepdaddy to Cletus Jr. *shudder*

Paris still looks pretty good, and doesn't often go around covered in vomit....but every says she has herpes. And she'll definitely have crabs, not to mention bedbugs, after she gets out of Jail.

And then there is Lindsay. Well, she's special, isn't she? They're going to start making her ride around in the short yellow limosine and get her a helmet so she doesn't hit her head after she passes out from snorting Jack Daniels. But, she's got all the best drugs. I'm sure she could come up with some combo of viagra and MDMA that would keep you hard for a week.

So which one would you choose. And yes, ladies, this applies to you as well.

Why don't we get drunk and screw?

Sheikh Mohammed, ruler of Dubai, is another
fan of expensive yachts. His latest model has
an ultra high-tech sound system. A top sound
technician was brought in to test it before
the Sheikh took possession. He picked out a
tune on his iPod to see how everything sounded.
Without thinking he chose Jimmy Buffett's Why
Don't We Get Drunk (And Screw). Since that
day, the technician's work for the upstanding
Dubai ruler and his teetotal, religious
boat crew appears to have dried up.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Celine Dion's daughter inheireted her weird googly eyes

Lohan Checks Into Rehab After Car Crash | The Huffington Post

Lohan Checks Into Rehab After Car Crash | The Huffington Post

Lohan "admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility" on Monday, according to a statement released by her publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnick. The statement added, "Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation and respect the privacy of Lindsay as well as the other patients receiving treatment at the facility."

Hah! Yeah, that's gonna happen. Because it's serious everyone is just going to act mature and adult and leave her alone.

George Michael on GHB

George Michael Faces June 8 Sentencing | The Huffington Post

LONDON — George Michael, who has pleaded guilty to driving while unfit, had several drugs in his system when he was arrested, a court heard Wednesday.

Tests showed the 43-year-old singer had taken a therapeutic quantity of an antidepressant as well as gamma-hydroxybutyrate, or GHB, Prosecutor Andrew Torrington told Brent Magistrates' Court in London.

Isn't this about the third time he's been arrested for sleeping in a parked car? Why doesn't he call a cab?

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

So I'm watching War of the Worlds for the first time....

And I'm really getting into it. I thought I would hate it. But I'm really rooting for the aliens. I hope they kill both Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning. Anyone who wants to do that I'm all for. How can I help? I, for one, welcome our new alien overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted bloger, I can be helpful in rounding up others.

Director Detained for Threatening to "Shoot a Pilot"

A director was just detained at an airport for saying he was there to "shoot a pilot"....more people need to be arrested for shooting pilots. Like the guys who greenlighted Lost.

Director Mike Figgis Detained for Threatening to "Shoot a Pilot" - Cinematical

What did the Polish Government do about the gay Teletubby?

What did the Polish Government do about the gay Teletubby?

No, it's not a pollock joke, the Poles are really worried about the Teletubbies being gay. Now that Falwell is dead I suppose someone has to pick up his cross.

Poland probes gay Teletubbies | The Register

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Hillary's Campaign song

Using videos posted on the YouTube Web site, Clinton has asked viewers to vote for a campaign song, with the winner to be picked soon. More than 130,000 votes have been cast since mid-May, the campaign said.

The finalists are "Suddenly I See," by K.T. Tunstall, "Rock This Country!" by
Shania Twain, "Beautiful Day" by U2, "Get Ready" by The Temptations and Smash Mouth's cover of the
Neil Diamond song "I'm a Believer."

I suggest Nasty, by Janet Jackson. Works on a couple of levels. Like this, "I just want some respect (that's right)
So close the door if you want me to respond (ooh ooh yeah)
'Cause privacy is my middle name
My last name is Control".

Campaign tunes not so simple in campaigns - Yahoo! News

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Lindsay gets a DUI

Lindsay Lohan was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence Saturday after her convertible struck a curb, and investigators found what they believe is cocaine at the scene, police said.
Lohan, 20, and two other people were in her 2005 Mercedes SL-65 when it crashed on Sunset Boulevard around 5:30 a.m., Sgt. Mike Foxen said. It appeared the actress was speeding, Lt. Mitch McCann said at an afternoon news conference.

Ok, I've got this great idea for a reality show. Lindsay and Paris are cell mates in a women's prison...

Update: Now they say they might have found cocaine on the scene. Oh, this is the best story, ever! Now if she could just have OJ driver her around, running from the cops in a bronco.

Here's a still from the set of the new Star Wars movie!

They had to recast Princess Leia. Source.

New museum says dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark - Yahoo! News

New museum says dinosaurs were on Noah's Ark - Yahoo! News: "only at the Creation Museum in Kentucky do the dinosaurs sail on the ship -- Noah's Ark, to be precise." did they fit? How big was this ark? What did they do with all the poo?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Amelia wants to be your friend!

I'm so cool. I have hundreds of hot chicks wanting to be my friend on myspace every day. Here's one now.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The next time....

You know how you see these guys coming up to you asking for a donation for some religion? Do what I do, just before they can ask for the donation, stick out your hand and say, in your best salesman's voice, "Can I talk to you about God today?" And then go into a long rant on Gnosticism and the books left out of the bible. Or Buddism, or just any damn thing...politics, the gummint, whatever.

It really turns the tables and gets them all confused and mixed up.

The New Hotness of the Moment!

Here it is, this is the New Hotness of the Moment! Until I get tired of it and there's a New New Hotness!

Kahimi Karie and Momus with Lolitapop Dollhouse! (Yes, I know it's several years old but they didn't have Youtube in them days!)

They Found Debbie

YesButNoButYes: Debbie Does Dallas - The Bambi Woods Interview: Part One: "Bambi Woods, star of Debbie Does Dallas, one of the most famous adult movie stars of all time, mysteriously disappeared over 20 years ago, and since then, all attempts to track her down and find out what happened to her have been fruitless. Until now."

At least my life isn't as bad as Bud Bundy's

Or maybe it is.

Police spotted Faustino, 33, and his 31-year-old wife, Andrea, at an intersection on May 11. Faustino reportedly tried to climb out the car window, then opened the door.

The actor tried to walk away when police confronted the couple; the officer smelled alcohol on Faustino's breath and found a plastic bag with a gram of marijuana in his pocket, police said.

Faustino was arrested, booked into Volusia County jail and released the same day on his own recognizance.

He filed for divorce in February from his wife in Los Angeles County Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences.

"Married With Children" ran on the Fox network from 1987 to 1997.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

and now Avril Lavigne does her Courtney Love imitation

Free Image Hosting at

Is Thora Birch getting younger?

Free Image Hosting at

Bai Ling Nipple Slip

Free Image Hosting at

Paris Hilton with bible

She's not wearing a bra and holding a bible. I'm pretty sure if you're a baptist you go straight to hell for that.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Threat level has been set to Bats!

Hunter S Thompson saw bats over his head in the Nevada desert and knew that some heavy shit was going down.

Well, I thought they were bats, but I've got Blackhawks hovering over my head. So you know that either I'm really stoned, really crazy, or there is some heavy shit going down.

Or possibly all three.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I've found the new hotness

The Prototypes. Helps if you understand French, though. But it's not like anyone ever listens to lyrics anyway.

I'd tell you to buy the cd and give you the amazon link to it, but who are we kidding? We both know you're just going to download it. That's what I did.

It's ok to be a pirate.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

From Travis

From: Travis

Date: May 19, 2007 6:04 PM
Subject does anybody ELSE wanna take down Macy's
Body: I get about 400 offers for "$500 Free Macy's Gift cards" a day on myspace.
...Is it just me? have they figured out that me, Travis Junior, is a sucker for a white sale? Especially at Macy's.

Reno ain't even got a Macy's. i ain't never stepped foot in one. And i am so damn sick of their damn $500 Free Gift Card offers - I'm about ready to take a deuce in a tupperware and mail it to macy's.

I got an idea.

If every single one of us spends the week telling every single one of our myspace friends to sign up for a gift card at the same time. Say -- June 1rst, at 9:00 mountain time --

then every single one of us used our gift card on the same day -- say June 7th -- you think we could bankrupt macy's.

it's possible, right?

mind you -- this is maybe the whippets talking... but it sounds like it Could work.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Angelina Jolie selling lipstick.

Here's a lipstick commercial staring Angelina.

TV in Japan » This is what TV is like. In Japan.

Do what you want cause a pirate is free.

pirate.swf (application/x-shockwave-flash Object)

Mischa Barton NipSlip

This ain't just the nipple, it's the whole damn titty. And what a pretty little pink titty it is. NSFW.

Paris Hilton to get full body cavity search

And this time it's not because it's just another Saturday night.

PARIS WARNED: SAY HI TO HELL - Pagesix - New York Post Online Edition: "'New York's No. 1 Escort' and spent 26 days at Rikers Island. 'It's the worst experience of your life - you're locked up, the food is disgusting and everybody wants to be your friend, but in the end they just want to [bleep] you,' McLennan, who is now a stylist at a top Montreal spa, told Page Six."

Avril is topless for Blender

Is that a bunny trail I see?

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Advanced technology

On NPR they keep saying, "At Honda, advanced technology is the answer."

What I want to know is, what's the damn question?

My next ex-wife

This is Jodie Marsh who has some sort of reality tv show where she's trying to get someone to marry her.

I'll do it if she promises to wear that at the wedding.

Rejected by eharmony?

I didn't know this, but eHarmony, the dating site, rejects a lot of women.

Some say it's because they aren't christian.

Others think it's because they are too artistic.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Prince Harry chickens out

The Prince will not be going to Iraq.

It's fine for the commoners to risk their lives for their country, but apparently it's just not done among the royals. He had fun prancing about in camo and playing with tanks, but now he doesn't want to die.

"Oh Mummy", said, throwing himself on the Queen's wrinkled old lap. "I don't wish to play army anymore! But if I quit everyone will say I'm a coward. Whatever shall I do?"

"Don't worry my poppet" said the wise old Queen. "I'll have some general or colonel take the blame for it. We can't have people who matter die over something as silly as oil!"

"Oh thank, you granmama! Can I go dress as a Nazi, now?"

"Why of course. I think there are some of your grandfather's SS outfits in the closet. Go see if they fit. They were a little too big for your brother."

Top Ten Strip Club commercials

Beyond the Neon

Jerry Falwell in the outhouse, with his mother

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Peter Parker's Wife

A bunch of comic fans and bloggers have their panties in a wad over this statue. I think it's hot. She should be more naked, though.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Salmak Hyak's giant pregnant boobies.

Man, those things are beautiful. Let me tell you little boys something, there's no sex like pregnant sex, especially when you know the kid isn't yours. It's like having sex and getting a blowjob at the same time.

Suck on them titties and get that milk before that baby does!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Police officer boob massage

TV in Japan » This is what TV is like. In Japan.

It's ok for cops to do drugs

Because they are above the law, they can do whatever they want, right? No consequences for lawbreaking if you're a fucking pig.

Dearborn lets cop quit without a drug charge in marijuana brownie case: "His wife, Stacy Sanchez, admitted to police investigators that on another occasion she removed cocaine from her husband's police cruiser -- drugs purportedly earmarked to train police dogs -- and used it during a three-week binge. She, too, has not been charged criminally. Dearborn Police Cmdr. Jeff Geisinger left a phone message with Free Press reporting partner WDIV-TV Local 4 saying Sanchez resigned during an internal investigation. Geisinger did not return subsequent calls asking why Sanchez was not prosecuted."

Jury acquits Spanaway man of bestiality charge | Seattle Times Newspaper

Local News | Jury acquits Spanaway man of bestiality charge | Seattle Times Newspaper

TACOMA — A Pierce County jury has acquitted a man accused of having sex with the family dog.

Michael Patrick McPhail, 26, of Spanaway, was found not guilty Wednesday in Pierce County Superior Court of first-degree animal cruelty.

Assistant Pierce County Prosecutor Karen Watson said last fall that McPhail was the first person charged in the county under a new state law that made bestiality a felony.

"I'm glad that justice was able to see it wasn't an action of my doing," McPhail said as he left the court building.

He said he believes his wife made up the story because she is seeking to end their marriage.

It was Jesika McPhail who contacted police and told them she'd caught her husband engaged in sexual intercourse with their pit bull, Sara, last October. Jesika McPhail was not immediately available for comment about the verdict.

The case generated outrage among animal welfare advocates across the globe, many of whom called for McPhail to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Deputy Prosecutor Brian Leech, who tried the case, said he was disappointed.

"Obviously, I thought the facts were more than sufficient to merit a conviction," Leech said. "The defense was able to introduce some evidence about strife in the marriage. I don't think that was supported, but apparently the jury gave it some weight."

The new law, which took effect last June, was prompted by a case in which a Seattle man died after having sex with a horse. Before the law was enacted, Washington was among roughly a dozen states where bestiality had not been explicitly prohibited.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Hardcore Fans Hump for Imus -

Hardcore Fans Hump for Imus - "Porn producer Kick Ass Pictures is getting into the charity game. The adult entertainment company, which bills itself as 'the only porn company in the world to guarantee all natural breasts in all of its movies' says they are releasing a new adult DVD tiled 'Nappy Headed Ho's.' They say $1 from the sale of each DVD will be donated to a retirement fund for fired Don Imus. "

Evil Dead, the Musical!

I wonder if Bruce Campbell will be in it? He's on the poster.


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Paris Hilton Going to Jail !

Even her mother hates her!

Paris Hilton Going to Jail for 45 Days | The Huffington Post: "As a city prosecutor said during closing arguments that Hilton deserved jail time, Hilton's mother, Kathy, laughed. When the judge ruled, Kathy Hilton then blurted out: 'May I have your autograph?'"

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Pirate Parenting

Never before has raising
a pirate been so easy!
If you’re like most parents, you long to raise your children as pirates but just don’t know how. In Guide to Pirate Parenting, Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall provides everything you need to know to turn your little powder monkeys into happy, healthy buccaneers.

Manicures of the stars

A manicurist to the stars tells us about the
hands and feet of celebrities:

* Most disgusting pig-like star? Sienna Miller.
- fingernails "like a tramp", and athlete's foot.

* Most surprising defects? Liz Hurley
"appalling cracked heels".

* Most perfectly manicured? Nancy dell'Ollio
"Hands and feet so good she could do my nails".

Lindsay Lohan needs a reminder to breather

Lohan has big party plans for 21st birthday - "Lohan, who stars opposite Felicity Huffman and Jane Fonda in the upcoming Universal Pictures film 'Georgia Rule,' also showed off a white tattoo of the word 'breathe' on the inside of her wrist.

'And it's 'breathe' because?' asked DeGeneres.

'I forget to breathe sometimes,' Lohan replied."

Hermione's breast enhancements

I Watch Stuff! - Hermione's Breasts Grow in 3-D Transfer: "Perverts at PosterWire have determined, after careful, repeated examination, that Hermione's figure has been made more curvaceous for the IMAX version of the Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix poster. "

Kate Moss Kitty

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

With great power comes great responsibility..

I guess that doesn't apply to actors. Here's Toby Maguire being an asshole and knocking a camera out of the hands of a fan. Would Spiderman do that?

The DarkHat

Brit Topless

Some foolish people paid 125 bucks to see her at the House of Blues in San Diego. There's a sucker born every minute.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Tara Reid is lame

She's so lame she's wearing a Rolling Stone t-shirt to the Coachella music festival. Better than her old Josie and the Pussycat ears, I suppose.