Maxwell Hammer's shared items

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Hot Female Storm Troopers

It's sexy, but it sure wouldn't deflect my saber!


Xtina at the VMA

Here she is proudly showing off her tramp stamp.

Jessica Simpson Bloodshot

Her eyes look really bloodshot in this pic taken at the MTV VMA.

How do you make sequel when the hero is dead?

Ridley Scott Wants To Do a 'Gladiator' Sequel - Starpulse News Blog: "He had originally tried to get a follow-up made in 2003, before abandoning the idea, but things are now back on track. Scott says, 'I will probably do a sequel to Gladiator. The only problem is Russell Crowe was such a powerful presence and, of course, Maximus dies at the end. We'll have to get Russell back somehow.'"

Ok, let's come up with some suggestions. Everyone in Hollywood has run out of ideas, so we have to help them.

There's the "Last Temptation of Christ" idea. You make everything that happens in the new movie a dream that Maximus has while he's dying. He becomes emperor and also he can fly!

You could miracle it. Have the god Jupiter bring him back to life. Except the gods screw up and he's a brain eating zombie.

Here's one with great crossover potential. The Starship Enterprise travels back in time and Dr. McCoy heals Maximus just before he dies. Of course the actor who played McCoy is dead, but we'll just recast him. Viggo Mortensen could play the part.

Of course there's always the prequel. Set it ten years before he died. Somehow you would have to explain why Russell Crowe looks 20 years older. I know it hasn't been 20 years, but Crowe really looks like crap these days.

Here's the poop

This is the bronze poop of Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise's hellspawn.

I know baby shite. It never looks like that.

John Travolta Kissing a Man

I had heard rumors that Barbarino was gay. But that can't be true, because Sceintologists aren't gay, ever! No way!

But here are the pics, from The Superficial.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Meeting Paris Hilton

The Bosh says that a song by Cansei de Ser Sexy is about having sex with Paris Hilton

The Bosh : Paris Hilton subject of a new sexually charged song: "The track - which features on the Brazilian group's new self-titled debut album, 'Cansei de Ser Sexy', which translates as 'tired of being sexy' - contains lyrics fantasizing about taking Paris to bed."

I totally didn't get that from the lyrics. I thought it was mostly about seeing how many times she could call Paris a bitch.

But the cd is great. Go download it. You can listen to the song on their myspace page.

Who's more famous than Stalin and Hitler?

No one, that's who! Well, maybe Tom Cruise is more famous, but that doesn't matter...What do all those men have in common? They were possesed by the devil, that's what!

Father Gabriele Amorth who is Pope Benedict XVI's 'caster out of demons' made his comments during an interview with Vatican Radio.

Father Amorth said: "Of course the Devil exists and he can not only possess a single person but also groups and entire populations.

"I am convinced that the Nazis were all possessed. All you have to do is think about what Hitler - and Stalin did. Almost certainly they were possessed by the Devil.

Well, ok, Tom Cruise is just my own theory, but all the evidence is there!

Muslims Hate Freddy Mercury

Just admit it, guys, you're all gay. Everyone from Zanzibar is gay because the most famous person from there was.

Muslims slam Freddie Mercury party | Music | Entertainment | UK: "'Associating Mercury with Zanzibar degrades our island as a place of Islam,' the island's Association for Islamic Mobilisation and Propagation said in a letter to the Tanzanian archipelago's culture ministry

'Allowing such a function for a person known outside Zanzibar as a homosexual tarnishes the name of Zanzibar,' the letter continued. "

Two things I didn't know before I read this article. 1) Freddy Mercury was born on Zanzibar. 2) Zanzibar is full of Muslims. Guess that's why it's not a tourist destination, huh?

Paris Can't Sing?

What's this jibba-jabba I hear about Paris not being able to sing? She released a cd that flopped and now everyone is saying she can't go on tour to support the cd because she can't sing!

Who cares? You think any of these pop stars we have these days can sing? Ashlee Simpson goes on Saturday Night Live lip syncing, get's caught, and no one really cares.

Get it through your heads, people, none of the stars can actually sing!

Here's Paris Hilton coming out of the hospital for some reason.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Shameless Linking

One of the secrets of blogging is the link. If you link to other people, they link back. Hopefully. It's like casting your bread upon the waters, except you don't attract ducks.

So here's what the other celeb gossip blogs are saying.

Allie is Wired
says Jessica Simpson is boinking John Mayer.

Blogcritics still sucks.

Celebrity Mound wants to launch Paris Hilton into space.

The Skinny thinks Jennifer Love Hewitt is fat. I like junk in the trunk, though. She won't walk right for a week after I was done with that.

Pink is the New Blog points out the uncanny resemblance between Vanilla Ice and Kevin Federline.

That's it for now. Maybe later I'll get around to mentioning more of the great people who do exactly the same thing that I do, but I do it better.

I like Pink

She needs some Proactive, though. Here she is at the Emmy after party.

Jackie Chan Don't Like Racy Pics

Jackie Chan and fellow stars marched silently Tuesday to Hong Kong's government headquarters, protesting against a gossip magazine that featured a cover photo of a pop singer changing backstage.

The celebrities, wearing black T-shirts, handed over a petition denouncing the photos that were secretly taken of Hong Kong pop singer
Gillian Chung, part of the popular female duo Twins. The stars urged the government to tighten laws governing racy publications.

Jackie hates freedom of speech. He'll probably be arrested drunk and screaming about the Jews soon.

Anyone have the pics of this chick from the magazine?

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Early Emmy Pics.

Liveblogging the Emmys

2pm. Waiting for my weed man to show up. Flipping through the channels. Melissa Rivers shows up on TV and I realize the Emmys are today. That's something to write about. I hate awards shows with rivers...oceans of flowing bile. My hate for them cannot be descibe in human language, but only in the demon language of Geheth in the 9th circle of hell. This should be fun. I like to hate things.

What is Melissa wearing? It's some red satin thing with cleavage almost down to her navel. It would be great to show her tits, if she had any. It's like something J-lo would wear if she didn't have any money.

2:30 Some dog who's nominated for an Emmy pees on some girl on the red patio, and she laughs and says it was an honor. Doesn't that just say everything there is to say about Hollywood's relationship to the world? That was cool, though.

The Shrine Auditorium is haunted by Shriners, they say on the tv. They have little red hats and little cars. How do they know they're ghosts and not aliens?

2:45 Realize the woman with the dress isn't Melissa Rivers. I was wondering about that. The scroll banner on the screen says it's Rosana Talvarez or something. Oops, my bad.

2:50 Bored. Read newspaper. Changed channel. Cool! James Bond is on SpikeTV. Moonraker....probably the worst of the Bond films, though. About a space shuttle and that metal teeth guy.

Weed man still hasn't shown up.

Kathy Griffin on some show on E! called "Best of the Worst of the red carpet". Here's a drinking game. During the interviews drink everytime an actress or actor says, "like".

3:00 Weed man shows up. Suddenly don't hate Emmy's quite so much.

3:05 I'm hungry, going to the grocery store.

3:45 Back. You know that song, "Too High for the Supermarket"? Yeah, that's what it was like. Plus, somehow I got pickle juice all over myself. Going to shower.

4:27 Came to type all this into the computer. I do this on paper because I'm poor and don't have a laptop and wireless.
2:35 Got bored. Played with dog.


Decided that this would be easier to read if I did it chronologically.

What are these shows? I just realized I don't watch them. I watch House, and Gilmore Girls, and Angel reruns on TNT and The Venture Brothers on Adult Swim.

Do you think Metaloclypse will get an Emmy? I highly doubt it. The Emmy's reward mediocrity. Nothing too weird can make it through.

4pm, Just relized I lost track of time. I'm really stoned, this is good stuff.

Got bored again. Played video game. Made spaghetti.

Came back...oh, around 6.
Who are you wearing seems to be the question of the night. Howie Mandel is wearing Dior. I'm wearing a ten year old Ghost in the Shell tshirt and Fruit of the Loom boxer/briefs.

Ryan Seacrest is talking to Simon Cowell. They look like the top of a gay wedding cake. Their tuxedos match, except Simon isn't wearing a tie. Ryan is totally hot for Simon.

Someone asked Jeremy Piven to give Tom Cruise career advice. I'm sorry, but Tom hasn't screwed up that bad yet. Jeremy Piven's claim to fame is PCU and probably having sex with Lindsay Lohan. He's not even on the same planet as Tom.

Someone said, "Aubergine is the new black." Uh, no, aubergine is the new eggplant, and eggplant is last years purple. If you didn't know, aubergine is French for eggplant.

Hate is still the new black.

Barry Manilow is so old he had to postpone his hip surgery to be at the Emmys. That's not a joke, it actually happened. I think Barry Manilow may be the new Frank Sinatra.


Actual show....I had no idea Conan O'Brian could sing. Whatis NBC thinking, "Hey we're losing anyway so let's let all the benchwarmers play?"

Patrick Dempsey is on tv? I thought his career was over after "Can't Buy Me Love". I would have thought he was buried in a shallow grave...if I ever bothered to think about him.

Bored Again. Maybe I'll come back to this when I can get some pics of the new "aubergine".


Got some pics. Wrote long detailed analysis of why I don't care who actually wins. No one will even remember in two weeks. Computer crashed and ate it. Oh, well, it's not like I'm writing "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" here.

How long does this damn thing last? I may have dozed off, there. When will it end?

Frak this. I'm going to bed.

Friday, August 25, 2006

New Lemonheads Song

The myspace site says the new cd will be out next month. I once tried to get Evan Dando to take a swing at me at a concert. It wasn't long after one of his trips to rehab and during the show I made loud comments about how drunk he looked, which he was. Someone, Juliana Hatfield or Ben Harper, talked him out of hitting me. Which sucked. I wanted to fight Evan Dando.

J-Lo Pregnat

Pop idol spills beans with J-Lo baby news | AccessAtlanta: "In an otherwise innocuous interview, McCartney disclosed that he is dating actress Katie Cassidy, daughter of baby boomer teen idol David Cassidy. He then spilled that his gal pal has been cast as Lucy Ewing in the big-screen adaptation of the 1970/1980s TV soap 'Dallas.'

Then Locke inquired, 'Oh, so I bet your girlfriend can give us the scoop on why Jennifer Lopez was fired from the movie?' Without thinking, McCartney replied, 'She didn't get fired. She's pregnant.'"

Hope it's not a mutant. What are you going to name it? I think Nymphadora is cute.

Drunky Smurf Video

There's video of Posh Spice being a drunken idiot.
The Daily Mail said,
"She is normally the picture of style and elegance."

Uhmmm...yeah, what planet are you from? She's low class trash...if she were American I'd say she was white trash.

"But a late night out with friends left Victoria Beckham looking somewhat the worse for wear earlier this week.

The former Spice Girl was pictured stumbling out of a London casino at 4.45am - with even her minder struggling to prop her up as she swayed back and forth."

Thursday, August 24, 2006

I had sex with Nicole Richey

Sources say, "Nicole Ritchie can't move for comments
about her weight these days. After an
altercation with a photographer, Nicole
went to drown her sorrows in the Viper
Room, where LA art-pop band The Spores
were playing. Sadly for Nicole, the band
spotted her diving into a booth and used
their trademark on-stage puppets to take the
piss out of her inability to afford food,
culminating in one of the puppets saying,
"I screwed Nicole Ritchie... and wrapped my
whole dick around her waist." Nicole stormed
out telling doormen that she was going to sue."

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Eddie Murphy to marry Scary Spice

This is strange to me, because I thought Eddie was gay. I thought Scary was a lesbian, too.

EDDIE MURPHY is preparing to propose to his former SPICE GIRLS girlfriend MELANIE BROWN, according to press reports in the US. The pair began dating three months ago (JUN06) and reportedly immediately fell madly in love. A source tells American publication Us Weekly, "They are looking for the right ring. They are already living together at Eddie's house (in Beverly Hills)." Brown, 31, has a daughter from a previous marriage; Murphy has five kids with ex-wife NICOLE, whom he divorced in April (06). He also has a son from a previous relationship. In July (06), the couple each got a tattoo of the other's name, according to the source, who says they enjoy staying at home watching movies, ordering food and playing with their kids.

Actually I thought all the Spice Girls were gay, except what's her name, Cindy-Lou Who, or whichever. I still have my doubts about Posh Spice...

My Mom flashed Owen Wilson!

Yep, that's Mama Hammer! She loves her some Owen Wilson. She says she's going to moon Rush Limbaugh next!

The comedy star was at the UK premiere of You, Me and Dupree in Leicester Square last night when a fan called out his name before lifting up her top and showing off her breasts.

A stunned Owen, who was working the red carpet with the press at the time, told Sky News: "Wow, I kinda lost my train of thought with that one."

She's not the master of her domain

Remember how Paris said she was giving up sex? Kissing only, she said? Well, that fell through. She's hooked up with the junkie who's claim to fame is nicknaming Lindsay Lohan "firecrotch".

The Superficial says,

Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis live together - The Superficial - "Brandon Davis has reportedly been living in Paris Hilton's Hollywood Hills home since getting out of rehab in July, which he checked into after the 'fire crotch' video went public.

'His family is selling their home, so Brandon's been shacking up with Paris at her place off the Sunset Strip,' an 'insider' tells L&S. 'All his clothes, his toiletries and even some of the artwork he owns.' But the arrangement is reportedly more than temporary. Says the source: 'They're hooking up, but she doesn't want anyone to know about it. It's being kept very hush-hush.'"

So that didn't last long.

That icy cold water they swim in has nothing to do with it

Boing Boing: That icy cold water they swim in has nothing to do with it: "That icy cold water they swim in has nothing to do with it
MSNBC reports 'Polar bear genitals shrinking due to pollution.' Snip:

The icecap may not be the only thing shrinking in the Arctic. The genitals of polar bears in east Greenland are apparently dwindling in size due to industrial pollutants. Scientists report this shrinkage could, in the worst case scenario, endanger polar bears there and elsewhere by spoiling their love lives and causing their numbers to diminish.

In fact, all marine mammals could get affected by these pollutants, 'especially the Arctic fox, killer whale and pilot whales,' wildlife veterinarian and toxicologist Christian Sonne at the National Environmental Research Institute of Denmark in Roskilde told LiveScience. These animals bodies also carry extremely high levels of these contaminants."

Tom Cruise Fired

Ha ha! You suck, everyone knows it!

Paramount cuts ties with Cruise company - Yahoo! News: "LOS ANGELES - The latest high-profile Hollywood breakup is between
Tom Cruise and his studio. Sumner Redstone, whose company owns Paramount Pictures, said the studio would sever its 14-year relationship with Cruise's film production company because 'his recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount.'"

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

This just in....Jessica Alba is dating Fez!

Fez must have a really big schlong.

Lindsay Lohan's Dad's Cartoon

Apparently he's quite the talented artist. Someone else should do the writing, though.

Everyone is conspiring against him.

Smartass Celebrity Gossip Chat

Smartass Celebrity Gossip Chat. I started a chat room for Hate On! I may or may not be there....

Monday, August 21, 2006

Lindsay Lohan in Leopard Print Bikini

I've figure out something. She isn't really wearing different bikini's. They're all actually the same bikini, just in different prints and colors. Same style and cut, just she bought all they had like that.

Brit, Teen Choice, etc

Ok, I admit, I watched part of the damn show. I'm a freak.

First, one of Britney's boobs is bigger than her head. Can you spot which one? Second, what's up with the podium? Are today's teens little pimps and hos? Oh, that's right, they are. Good luck with that, kids.

Third, K-Fed's impersonation of Vanilla Ice. Beatutiful, I think i might have mentioned that. Maybe he'll pretend to be Mili-Vinilli next year? We can only hope.

Fourth...Brit's boobies, they're fascinating. I need video of this. They went boingy-boingy-boingy...mesmerizing.

My plan for world peace | news Osama 'wanted to marry Whitney': "Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of terror group al-Qaeda, was such a fan of singer Whitney Houston that he considered marriage and having her husband Bobby Brown killed.

This is but one of several details revealed by a woman who claims she was once the sex slave of America’s most wanted man."

It's a deal! You stop bombing the world and we'll give you Whitney...and that's not all. We'll also throw in Janet Jackson and Halle Berry! If white girls are more your thing then you can have Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan! Come on, girls, take one for America. Aren't you willing to sacrifice for the good of the rest of the world? Besides, he's like 7 feet tall, he must have an enormous schlong. It's a win-win situation.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

How much is Jessica Biel Worth?

30,000, exactly, isn't that good to know? - Man Who Bid $30,000 Dines With Jessica Biel - Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Arts And Entertainment: "DENVER — A man who bid $30,000 to have lunch with Jessica Biel, Esquire magazine's 'Sexiest Woman Alive,' sealed the deal Friday."

A case of too much money and not enough sense.

K-fed at the Teen Choice Award

I just watched it, and I have to say that was the best Vanilla Ice impression I've ever seen. He's even better than Weird Al Yankovic.

Snakes on a MotherHumping Plane

Here are a bunch of people I've never heard of arriving for the premiere. I always wonder where these people at the premieres and award shows come from. I bet they just go to the Hollywood Unemployment office or the Home Depot parking lot and say, "Ok, you, you, you, not you, get in the truck, we need some people for a premeire. Then after that, you're going to repave my driveway."

Friday, August 18, 2006

Another Celeb Perfume

The Becks have created a new scent.

The Beckhams get 'intimately' scented - Yahoo! News: "LONDON (AP) — Soccer star David Beckham and his pop-star wife Victoria are set to get intimate with the unveiling of a new fragrance for men and women next month.

Dubbed 'intimately Beckham for Him' and 'for Her,' the fragrances will be sold starting next month across Britain."

The only problem is both of the fragances smell like underarms and malt liquor.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Justin vs. Lohan

As if getting all mean on Taylor Hicks wasn't enough, now Justin has taken on Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan's Timberlake ban - Showbiz News - Life Style Extra: "
'The last thing his label want is Lindsay getting hammered and making a spectacle of herself. His people reckon any association with people like Lindsay are bad forView the profile for Justin Timberlake on Celebrity Spotlight his image and career.'"

Justin, you're becoming quite the snarky dick. Wanna job writing for me?

Do you think Paris Hilton douches with Lysol?

Click on pic for closeup.

A gallery of old ads, here.

Penelope Cruz NipSlip

Here's the safe for work version.

Click here for the nipple.

Whoooohoooo! I'm famous! I went to college with the JonBenet Ramsey Killer!

Yep, that's right, I went to the same college in Alabama that John Mark Karr did!
It was the University of North Alabama. I think I was there at the same time as he, but I couldn' t find an exact date. He actually recieved his BA from another school.

I'm so proud.

Jessica Biel whines about being too sexy.

It's so hard being the sexiest woman alive, according to Jessica.

"I think that a lot of directors and people who are looking at projects and they were like, "Well, I don't want to hire her." I felt like I was sort of on this pedestal a little bit and it definitely didn't just open all of the doors for me that I thought that it would. I thought, "Oh, wow. This is a huge honor. This is going to be huge for me." And it really wasn't at all."

So don't all the rest of you non-sexy ladies feel better about your lives now? Aren't you glad you get to work as a secretary or at Taco Bell instead of having the oh so hard job of being in movies?