Maxwell Hammer's shared items

Monday, July 31, 2006


The goal is not to be the first person to say something. The goal is to be the first person to steal something and then claim it's yours.

And then you snarl at everyone who claims it for their own.

So here goes.

Hate is the new black.


Be a hater.


Hate the game and the playa.


Tshirts comins soon.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Is she legal yet?

Here we have pics of the little sister of someone who used to be famous, but gave it all up to raise a litter in the worlds most expensive mobile home. Can you guess who it is? I'll give you a hint, she went from the swamp to the Barnyard premiere.

Here we have Courtney Cox and the guy who mows her lawn. Man, you got to be really good at cuttin' grass to get invited to movie premieres.

And here's Courtney with her mom.

WTF? With Mel Gibson?

Apparently he's gone batshite insane.

Ok, first he gets arrested for DUI. No biggie, celebs do that all the time. Usually to settle some political score, though. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Then he said some bad stuff about the Jews. Well, whatever, spirits are running high....they are bombing the frak out of a lot of people right now. Other people have said worse.

Now the FBI is involved. He's being called in on some Patriot Act shite. Apparently on suspected terrorism charges.

What the hell is going on out there? Now you people see why I live in Alabama and refuse to leave my property? Y'all are fraking crazy out there.

Friday, July 28, 2006

The Gayest Man on the Internet

He even beats the Peter Pan guy.

Devon Aoki

Here are some pics of Devon Aoki from the upcoming movie DOA, based on the video game. Looks like Jaime Presley is in it, too.

Mel Gibson Gets a DUI

Mel Gibson was arrested by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department in Malibu, Calif. early this morning for suspicion of DUI. Bail was set at $5,000.

But don't worry, Jesus will save him.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Tia Carrere

She's still alive! She's not dead or fat or anything!

Although she is with a weird looking guy.

Nicky Hilton at the Pool

"I dropped a cigarette in my shoe
And dove in the water
Then I swam until my hair dreaded
Like flying on fire
That day I quit smoking and swimming" Kristin Hersh.

Some of these things only make sense to me. Screw you people and your "logic" and "making sense".

The Hoff is a drunk

He was banned from a flight. Then stumbled around drunk and tried to pick up the manager of a store at the airport.

When someone asked if he was David Hasselhoff he denied it. "He wasn't aggressive, he just had problems standing." Someone said.


Scarlett's a Diva

Scarlett was asked to be in a Sound of Music production.

Somehow I doubt she can actually sing. She was just hired for her boobies.

"Her people were not `pro' the idea. It became clear that it wasn't going to work because the demands were so ridiculous," Lloyd Webber was quoted as saying in The Times newspaper.

He said Johansson's representatives "couldn't understand why she would want to appear in the West End for $18,500 a week when she could be earning $10 million for a movie."

Publicist Marcel Parisbeau said it was a busy work schedule and not pay demands that sank the actress' chance to play the role made famous by Julie Andrews in the 1965 film version of the musical.

If they have to deny it, you know it's true.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Lohan OD's, again

Lindsay, that Jeremey Piven is a bad influence on you.

The actress, who is filming the movie Georgia Rule in the area, was
taken to an L.A. hospital very early Wednesday morning.

"She was overheated and dehydrated," Lohan's rep, Leslie
Sloane-Zelnick told TV's The Insider, which was first to report the
story. "She was filming in 105-degree weather for 12 hours."

When it's that hot lay off the cocaine. Stay inside and shoot tequila and Oxycontin. Everyone knows that.

Tori's Daddy Hated Her

He had 300 million, but she's not even gettng 1 % of that.

Aaron's will leaves Tori, 33, "less than $1 million" in cash and
stocks, says the source. Because Tori was so close to her TV mogul
father, the source says, "it's disheartening to her."

I suppose she'll have to get a real job instead of pretending to be a tv star.

Leelee Sobieski Nip Slip

You have to look really close, but it's there. I zoomed in and cropped the image so you can see it better.

Also notice that the other chick is birddogging even though it's obviously very hot. She's turned on. It's probably Leelee's lover.

Lance Bass Comes Out

And the entire world says, as one, "Duh!".

You've also got stupid hair. When you gonna admit that?

It's in People.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Kids Show Host Fired For Having Opinions

I watch this show with my two-year old sometimes. First, let me say that Melanie is hot. Sure she's cute and seems to really like doing the kids show stuff, but any dad will look at her and wonder what she's like naked.

She was fired by PBS for once having done a tv skit.

One of the clips, called "Technical Virgin," is a funny (if not gut-busting) take on the idiocy of abstinence campaigns. In it, the fresh-faced Martinez announces seriously: "I've got big plans for my future: a good college, a career, maybe even my own business someday. But one thing I'm not planning on is getting pregnant. That's why I choose anal sex. I mean sure, it hurts a little, and I wind up walking funny for a day or two. But I think my future's worth it."

First, is there anything in that clip that's not true or bad advice for those who don't want to have children too soon? No, there's not. Sure she'd be better off having oral sex, since it doesn't hurt, but whatever cranks your tractor.

Let's start a PBS boycott until they hire Melanie back. I know there are a lot of you out there with kids. Let them watch Nickolodeon instead.

Natalie Portman is Pissed

Here are some pics of her fighting the paparazzi.





Monday, July 24, 2006

George Michael has horrible taste

George got caught having sex with this guy.

It's ok to be gay, man, but please pic someone better than that. Isn't there some cute philipino boy somewhere for you?

from the sun

Nothing ever happens

Somedays I read the gossip headlines and I have to clear my browser cache to make sure anything has actually changed. It's the same crap over and over.

Nothing happens during this part of the summer. Wars, wars happen now. That's about it. How do you make fun of a war? If I say the Hezbollah's ass looks fat then they'll blow me up. That's no fun, either.

Today's recycled headlines:

Keira says she's not anorexic. How many times have you said that this month? Imagine it was stink. Imagine everyone said you smelled like ass. Now, would you keep issuing statements saying you don't stink or take a shower? It's up to you, babe. Dying of anorexia is a good career move. You'll get your own made for tv movie out of it. You'll be as famous as Marilyn and lady Di. On the other hand you'll be dead. Maybe Elton John will write a song about you.

Nick Lachey gets on with his life.
He keeps saying that, but he doesn't seem to be actually doing anything. Since you're not doing anything come on over on my days off and well smoke a bowl together and listen to some Pink Floyd.

And yet more hints and allegations that Ryan Seacrest is gay. This time he's checking out Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth calls him on it.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Amy Acker's a slut

I used to have this little crush on Amy Acker when she was Fred on Angel (Fred on Angel, that sounds dirty).

I thought she was all innocent and cute. I was wrong. Look at these.

Danni Minogue

Here are some pics of Danni Minogue
hanging out in a bar in Ibizia, Spain, because apparently that's what you do all the day when you're the sibling of someone famous and rich. I bet she's at the same bar with Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, Haley Duff and Ashlee Simpson. Jefferey Hendrix told stories about all the women his brother banged.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Jessica Simpson at the beach

Eeek! A Mouse!

"Duuuuhhhh...... Is someone looking at me over there?" She said. She looks like a cow with a wine buzz in this one.

I don't know what she was doing in this one. The way her teeth are sticking out and her arms flapping make me think she's pretending to be a flying beaver.

Friday, July 21, 2006

NZed's a bunch of prudes

Kim Catrall, who was sexy when I was a child...back during the roaring 20' too sexy for New Zealand TV.

"Why didn't you tell me it was so big, I just wasn't prepared for it?" she gushes. "The all-new Nissan Tiida makes you feel really, really, really good inside."

She tells a salesman: "Ah! That was amazing. Absolutely fabulous! I mean the great body and the way you moved it."

She was talking about a car. Not my penis. But she would say exactly the same thing if she saw my penis. Except she would also say, "Ow that hurt. It's just too big. I'll have to have my friends help out or I'll hurt my back."

This is Sag

Grandma? Is that you? Put on a sweater or something before you catch cold.

Kylie Minogue is Off Limits

I would say something mean about Kylie here, but she just recovered from cancer. If there's one thing I know, it's cancer is never funny.

But is it ok if I say her ass looks fat? Is it insensitive to make fun of her butt or do I have to wait for a full recovery?

I mean, what are the rules here?

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The stuff I can't talk about

Some days the news is slow. And some days the things that happen I can't say anything about.

Like Dakota Fanning is going to be in a movie that will probably get people arrested for child porn.

All the dorks are at the comic-con.

Haley Joel Osment wrecked his car. The car is a 95 Saturn. What? Does he work at Arby's now?

Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas

Hey, look she managed to not piss in her pants for long enough to get on the cover of Cosmo.

And in one she even wears something that isn't completly whorish!

That's a mighty good filter on that camera. You can't even see all her nasty wrinkles from never sleeping and drinking all the time.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Everybody Run!

Willow has turned all evil again! Run or she'll rip off your skin!

Lisa Simpson Upskirt

I had no idea Lisa Simpson's ass was so hot.

What you don't see

Look very closely at the bag Jessica Simpson is carrying. See something blonde and fluffy in there? That's a clone of Jessica Simpson that didn't quite turn out right. It's like a fluffy mini-me. Jessica thought it was cute so now she keeps it as a pet.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


It's Howard Stern and the woman he bought from Kazakastan to be his wife. They are both said to be very happy, mostly because the chick didn't die during shipping like the last one did. "It's really worth the extra money to pay for next day delivery." Howard said.

Bush Creeps Out German Chancellor Angela Merkel

First he spots his victim.

Then he makes his approach....he captures his prey!

His victim shudders with disgust. The touch of the monster's icy hands causes terror.

It takes all of her courage, but she makes a break for it!

She's frees herself! She lives to survive another day on the plains of the G-8 conference.