Maxwell Hammer's shared items

Friday, June 30, 2006

Courtney Cox Nipple Slip

After she's too old for anyone to care, we finally see the nip. Click here for giant NSFW pic.

Hasselhof Has Surgery

Somehow he injured his arm in the bathroom of a gym.

The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 years, was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass, his publicist, Judy Katz, said.

Sounds like a bunch of crap to me. I bet he was having gay sex in the bathroom and refused to pay so he got cut.

Or maybe he was tied up and hanging from the chandelier in some bdsm thing and it went horribly wrong.

I've been in a lot of gyms and there's never once been a chandelier in the bathroom. Do famous people have different bathrooms?

Pussycat Dolls on Good Morning America

Pics are from this morning.

They actually wore clothes this time.

Try not to look too closely at their faces, though. It looks like years of hard living is catching up with them.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

K-Fed Changes Name

In honor of...well, something or other, Britney's Babydaddy will change his name to One Cent, in imitation the rapper with actual talent, Fitty Cent.

K-fed was the first to sign a petition to stop DC from removing the penny from circulation. The whole thing is part of a Virgin Mobile publicity stunt.

K-fed loves pennys because that's how much he's worth without all Brit's money.

Rob Schneider Collapses from "food poisioning"

STOCKTON, Calif. - Former "Saturday Night Live" cast member Rob Schneider was taken to a Northern California hospital after collapsing from food poisoning and heat exhaustion during the filming of an upcoming movie.

Remember, "food poisoning" and "exhaustion" are Hollywood code words for drug overdose. Or maybe the movie is so bad that the gods struck him down in an effort to stop it from being made. Personally I think it was the latter becaue Rob just isn't cool enough to be doing drugs. He's lucky his colon didn't leap up through his body and try to strangle him.

Jessica Alba Kissing a Pit Bull

If she'll kiss that she'll kiss you.

Ashlee Simpson is Clueless

Apparently she doesn't realize the sexual implications of sticking her tongue out at a big flower shaped like a penis.

Xtina Losing It

Christina Aguilera has apparently gone crazier than a rat that lives in a septic tank.

During promo interviews
she's refused to look at any journalist.
Instead, the diva insists that the interview,
for which she's usually two to four hours late,
takes place in a dimly lit room, where she sits
and stares in the other direction completely
to the journalists while they ask, and she
answers, questions.

It's like psych therapy. I bet she lies down on a couch and tells them about her childhood. "And then Britney was so mean to me after the Mickey Mouse show. She wouldn't let me use any of her lip gloss."

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Wired's Advice for Bloggers

This month's Wired has a list of things that could be keeping your blog from making you famous.

After reading it I think I'm on my way!

Here's the list.

  1. You aren't kamikaze enough to risk your career by revealing the soul crushing absurdity of your job. That's probably true. I don't really have an interesting career, either. I'd torpedo it, but no one would care.
  2. You aren't sufficiently vain or presumptuous to declare yourself a hot twentysomething female (even if it's true). Actually I could do that, I just don't want to. I'm all man, baby.
  3. You lack a diagnosed sleep disorder, minor substance abuse problem, mercurial temperament and/or innate desire to alienate loved ones. Hell, I've got 3 out of 4 of those. You'll have to guess which ones.
  4. You're not ready to declare on the internet what you really think about the raging hypocrites nesting in your life. Why, yes, yes I am. In fact I often get into trouble for telling them to their faces what assclowns they are.
  5. You have yet to explore the wonders of shameless self-promotion, groveling, and media whoring. Profiles in the New York Times don't always come free. Well, I don't grovel, but I'm really good at the self-promotion. As for the media whoring, I'll have those melonballers wrapped around my little finger. And fsck the New York Times. They're dead media. Lapdogs and ball lickers of power and the establishment. I actually have more respect for the Weekly World News. At least they didn't sell their integrity to that little monkey George W. Bush.
Whooohooo! I can't wait until I'm on Oprah and can tell her what I really think of her.

Man Kiss

Danny Glover and Harry Belafonte in hot man on man action backstage after Belafonte received the BET humanitarian award during the 6th annual BET Awards on Tuesday, June 27, 2006, in Los Angeles.

They must be on the down low.

Maria Sharapova Camel Toe

Lookie there! Exteme camel toe. She's gonna need a screwdriver to get those panties out.

Claire Danes

Claire at a Ralph Lauren event. She cleans up real purty, don't she?

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Jessica Biel Hates You

Yeah, Eff you, too, Jessica! What would your dad the preacher think?

I might make this the new logo for this site....

A moment of silence....

For the wife of Ed Wood who passed away yesterday at the age of 84. Kathleen O'Hara Wood died of
cancer of the esophogus at Hollywood Presbyterian Queen of Angels
Hospital on June 26, 2006. She and Wood were together for
27 years before the director's death in December of 1978.

Ed was a man you could admire. He was never good at anything but he never stopped making movies. He knew they were crap and he just kept on.

Want to know how gay Superman is?

He's so gay he shoots rainbows out of his fingers.

Preggo Britney

Here's Brit, pregnant, naked and black hair. From next month's Harper's.

They won't be appearing in the magazine because Brit pulled them. Apparently she didn't think she looked trashy enough.

Tom and Nicole, not technically married

They were just living in sin.

Tom & Nicole: Never Married? - Yahoo! News: "The BBC reported Monday that, while there has been speculation that Kidman got her first marriage annulled so that she and
Keith Urban could say their 'I do's' in a Catholic chapel, it turns out that, because she and Cruise swapped vows upon the altar that L. Ron Hubbard built, she wasn't legally married in the first place--as far as the Catholic Church is concerned, that is."

Even the Catholics say the Scientologists are a bunch of fakes.

Rush forgot which side of the drug war he's supposed to be on

Not only is Rush an addict, he can't get it up, either.
Limbaugh's Viagra Fall? - Yahoo! News: "The radio pundit, currently serving 18 months of court supervion in his healdine-making prescription fraud case, was detained Monday at Palm Beach International Airport Monday after officials found a bottle of the little blue pills in Limbaugh's luggage with someone else's name on the label.

According to the talk show host's attorney, Roy Black, Limbaugh was not reverting back to his fraudulent ways, and claimed the incident instead was a misunderstanding. "

Man, that's a good lawyer. He's probably up in court making weird hand gestures and saying, "These are not the drugs you are looking for." That's a Jedi Lawyer, worth every penny he's paid, even if he is on the dark side.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The Army Sucks

I usually restrict this blog to how much celebrities suck. But it's really about much more than that. There's a philosophy behind all this snark. And that philosophy is this: the rich, powerful and famous suck, no matter who they are. They suck and they deserve to be told so by a smartass like me. When the revolution comes they'll make me a saint, and then they'll say horrible things about me, because I will have become rich and powerful, and I will deserve it.

Today I saw something that I liked. It's a little off topic, but it fits in with the overall philosophy of the site.

Soldiers in Iraq are putting together their own isp's because the net access the army provides sucks so much.

Since the military provides just 6 to 12 computers for every 1,000 or so troops, time limits of 10 to 15 minutes per day are often enforced at Morale Welfare Recreation Cafés (the complicated name for military internet cafés). Anyone who sorts through spam, reads forwarded articles and jokes, then tries to respond to “real” email knows 15 minutes isn't enough. Josh Hines, a soldier from Conway who recently returned from Iraq , confirmed that the Army lacks internet services and lamented the scarcity of entertainment options.
It should come as no surprise, then, that some enterprising military personnel have engineered an alternative. Hajjinets, the common term for troop-owned ISPs, have sprung to life on almost every base around Iraq. A typical Hajjinet is built and maintained by one or two soldiers and can provide nearly 24-hour internet access (until the region is stabilized and electrical lines can be installed, generators must occasionally be powered down for maintenance). Most Hajjinets are small, serving between 20 and 30 troops, but ISPs serving as many as 300 are known to exist. In a country wracked by war, where even the capital city receives only intermittent electricity, where people's lives are in constant peril, and where even basic necessities are scarce, this is no small victory.

It's a pretty long article. I think what they're doing is great. When the big telcos and the government finally get their shit together and start controlling our access to the net you'll see things like this popping up in your own neighborhood.

So more power to them.

Oh, and quit the damn Army, you buncha dumbasses. If the people in charge of it can't run an isp how the hell are they ever going to put Iraq back together? I've got no problem with soldiers...I have a lot of friends and family in the military. My problem is with the military itself. The time for that sort of centralized control and discipline is over.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

That Saddam, he so crazy

Saddam is such a whacky guy.

Saddam ends hunger strike after missing one meal - Yahoo! News: "The former Iraqi leader had refused lunch Thursday in protest at the killing of one of his lawyers by gunmen, but the spokesman said he ate his evening meal."

Dude, that's not a hunger strike, that's a diet.

Not even a very difficult diet. Guy drinks a slimfast and calls it an act of protest. I say we make him go on the fatkins diet for a few months.

Congrats to Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban on their happy day...

What do you say? It'll last 6 weeks? 6 months? Place your bets now.

Capitol Hill Hotties

Wonkette is having a competition to see who is the hottest new intern in DC. So far they're all better looking than Monica Lewinsky.

So far this one is my favorite.

She's 90% more slutty and 1/3 less dorky than the others....and you have to be pretty dorky to be an intern in DC.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Malcom Jamal-Warner

Remember Theo from the Cosby Show? That's him at the T-Mobile Launch Party. He looks horrible...I thought it was Issac Hayes at first. Hello Chirren!

How much are they paying all these no-talent "stars" to show up at the party? Since when are cell phone parties the cool place to be?

Jillian Barberie Making Out With a Tiger

Jillian....well I know the name. All of the tv shows and movies she's been on are universally crap. Also, do you realize she's 40 years old? She must rub herself down with chopped up Chinese embryo's or something.

Here she is making out with a tiger. She's certainly a goofy bitch.

Is it just me?

I used to think Reese Witherspoon was cute. Now I'm starting to find her creepy looking. It's her pointy chin. As she ages she's starting to look like an evil elf.

Preist Says Nicole Kidman Has Found True Love

SYDNEY (Reuters) - Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman, who will
marry country singer Keith Urban this weekend in Sydney, may have at
last found true love, said the Catholic priest who will perform the

Jesuit Father Paul Coleman, who met the couple this week to discuss
their marriage expected on Sunday, said he had a "good feeling about
their chances."

He went on to say, "I also feel good about my chances of getting a feel of an altar boy in the confessional after mass."

Brit Dyes Her Hair

Yes, it's really Britney. She dyed her hair black and is shopping for sunglasses with that little white trash porch monkey hanging from her neck.

Is it just me or is she starting to look like Roseanne?

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Pussycat Dolls

These are my favorite ho's.

But what the hell are they wearing? It doesn't look like snakeskin so much as it looks like she's turning into a snake.

Tennis Star Maria Sharapova

Aww, come on, Maria, we see your panties all the time on the court. Don't be shy now.

Hassidic Jew Reggae Sensation

I bet those are words you never thought you would see together. Apparently Wal-Mart is pushing this cd really hard.


I secretly suspect this guy is really Ali G in yet another disguise.

Paris Hilton's New Band

Paris and the Trampettes arrive at the T-Mobile launch party. From left to right in the picture: Sheraton St. Louis, Paris Hilton, Tokyo Ramada and, on bass, Motel 6 Panama City Beach.

No Talent Has Been Talking Trash

Ex-Monkee Davy Jones bad mouths people with actual talent.

MONKEES frontman DAVY JONES has launched astonishing attack on dead
questioning why society worships people who wasted their lives. The
61-year-old I'M A BELIEVER singer insists they wouldn't have been
idolised if they were still alive. Jones says, "I don't have a lot of
respect for people like Jimi Hendrix, or Kurt Cobain, or Janis Joplin
or Elvis Presley, because they all killed themselves in one way or
another. "Although I often wonder what they'd be doing now if they were
still alive. Would they be these crumbling lookalikes of the same
people, greeting people at the entrance of Caesar's Palace?"

So is that your excuse, Davy? Maybe you should have considered overdose as a career move.

Before talking this sort of trash you should really learn to play an instrument other than the tamborine.

Buffy and that dork breaking up.

Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. denied that they are splitting up.

Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar are swatting down rumors
that they've split. The couple have been married since the fall of 2002
(an eternity, in celebrity years), but sources say that lately they've
been living separate romantic lives. "Ever since he started that show
'Freddie' things were over," sniped a source. Leslie Sloane Zelnik, who
reps both Prinze, 30, and the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" star, 29,
assured us that the couple were still "completely together" and even
"spending this weekend together at [Zelnik's] house in Connecticut."

Ok, here's a clue, people. When you're really not breaking up you don't have to have your publicist issue a statement.

Usually the first place I hear a rumor is when someone is denying it. That's how I know it's true.

Parker Posey at Superman Premiere

My great-grandmother wears that same necklace to church. I wonder if Parker also smells like Chantilly and old people.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

From the "what's the point?" file....

Culture Club will reunite without Boy George.

Former band members Jon Moss, Phil Pickett and Mikey Craig
are searching for three or four "young, great singers".

(Translation: guys who won't upstage us like George did.)
A television company wants to follow the reunited Culture Club, who
might embark on a world tour in 2007, according to manager Tony Gordon.
(Translation: it's going to be for a lame-ass reality tv show.)

He says, "We cannot replace George - that's going to be an impossibility."

(Translation: George wouldn't do it.)

"We want to keep the brand but give it an uplift and make it fun,
great fun. Culture Club music was always joyous. We need that right
now, we need a nice, happy band."

(Translation: George is a bitch and none of us can get along with him. Also, he knows he doesn't need us.)

Sienna Miller and Jude Law

Why is Jude dressed like Ralph Macchio? Do they shop at the same store or is stupid the new style?

There are pickles and sardines in that ice cream cone....

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Borat on Yahoo! Movies

Borat on Yahoo! Movies: "Borat
Watch Sacha Baron Cohen ('Ali G') in the exclusive trailer for 'Borat.'"

"She is my sister. She is number 4 prostitute in all of Kazakhstan."

She also looks kinda like Nicole Richey.

Lindsay Lohan's Downward Spiral pt. 2

Does anyone know where I can ge this script for vicodin filled? I'm too stoned to find a pharmacist.

No thank you old man, I don't want to join the Scientologists. You're little Asian friend is cute, though. Can I have her?

Hey fat man! Have a look at my skinny butt while I pick up my cigs and cell phone.

Aaron Spelling has a stroke

Yeah, he had it 20 years ago, which is why all his tv shows suck so much. It just took this long for anyone to notice.

Aaron Spelling resting after stroke - Yahoo! News: "LOS ANGELES - Aaron Spelling, producer of TV's 'Beverly Hills, 90210' and 'Charlie's Angels,' suffered a stroke at his Holmby Hills estate over the weekend and was being treated at home, his publicist said Wednesday.

'He had a stroke Sunday at home,' said spokesman Kevin Sasaki. 'I don't know the extent of it. But if it had been some incredible degree, he would have been taken to the hospital.'"

Doctors said they weren't aware of any paralysis...except to his sense of character and plot.

Lindsay Lohan's Downward Spiral

Lindsay is losing it.

"June 21, 2006 -- LINDSAY Lohan and Sean Combs are at war. At a private concert by Prince at Butter last Friday, when Lohan got up to argue with Paris Hilton over Stavros Niarchos, Puffy and his posse squeezed into her table. 'There were only like six tables,' a witness says. 'Everyone was sharing, but Lindsay refused and began mixing it up with Puffy. His bodyguards came over and picked Lindsay up to get her out.' A member of Diddy's camp confirmed, 'Lindsay was being so loud and obnoxious. His security became concerned and came over to escort her away.'"

If Lindsay was a really big star her bodyguards would have beaten up Puffy's bodyguards. But she's not. One day, after she dies from a coke overdose, this will all be a tv movie. I voluteer to write the screenplay.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Servants of Elron

Here's the big, big, big list of celebrities who are Scientologists. Most of them are nobodies.

When you share files, you steal

Sharing is for losers.

And for Blaine's next trick...

He'll nail himself to a cross until he dies and then rise again after 3 days.

....or not.

And for Blaine's next trick...

It's Simon Cowell's Fault

David Hasselhoff has a new show called "America's Got Talent." Which might be true, but Hasselhoff doesn't. He says Simon Cowell told him to do it.

"He called me up and said, `Would you do this?' And I said, `I don't want to be a judge!' And he said, `Come on, it's fun! You're funny!'"

And, shrugged Hasselhoff, "Because it's Simon, I did it."

I'm now starting a petition to have Simon Cowell tell Hasselhoff to jump out of an airplane while singing that "oogachaka" song...but without wearing a chute.

This is Danni Minogue

Kylie Minogue's sister. S0me people think she's hot. I think those people are blind asstards.

She's, what, 26? She already needs a facelift. Plus she's got scarred knees and a really horrible fashion sense. She looks like a divorced soccer mom going out on a date with some guy she met on

Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton at the Beach

This is what people starving to death in bizzarro world look like. In bizarro world they have money for bikinis, beaches and cell phones, but none for food.

Nicole used to be cute. Now she looks like the before picture in a skin cancer warning ad.

It's Dumb and Slutty, Together At Last

Jenny Mcarthy and Jim Carrey hold hands and kiss. Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and insert a pipecleaner dipped in bleach in my ear so I can clean this image from my brain.

This is what's wrong with me

Want to know what my effing problem is? Watch these videos.

Music Videos From the 80's :: Over 1,400 Videos!