Mr. Cruise is also demanding “the immediate and complete withdrawal” of the Mission Insertable butt plug from Holesome Fun’s Dark Side of the Moon catalog and from any and all persons “currently harboring” this device.
“My client is tired of being the butt of jokes about his sexuality,” said Mr. Cruise’ attorney Marvin Keister. “The Mission Insertable butt plug is offensive not only on its face but also in its subversion of an orifice that Scientologists believe is next to godliness.
“L. Ron Hubbard taught Scientologists to respect their large—and their small—colons as the pathway to better physical and mental health; and although Mr. Cruise endorses regular high colonic cleansing and Vitamin K enemas, he is offended by the notion of butt plugs in general and of those with his face on them in particular.”
Now I'm all pissed off at myself for not writing that. Read the whole article, it's genius.
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