Liveblogging the Emmys

2pm. Waiting for my weed man to show up. Flipping through the channels. Melissa Rivers shows up on TV and I realize the Emmys are today. That's something to write about. I hate awards shows with rivers...oceans of flowing bile. My hate for them cannot be descibe in human language, but only in the demon language of Geheth in the 9th circle of hell. This should be fun. I like to hate things.

What is Melissa wearing? It's some red satin thing with cleavage almost down to her navel. It would be great to show her tits, if she had any. It's like something J-lo would wear if she didn't have any money.

2:30 Some dog who's nominated for an Emmy pees on some girl on the red patio, and she laughs and says it was an honor. Doesn't that just say everything there is to say about Hollywood's relationship to the world? That was cool, though.

The Shrine Auditorium is haunted by Shriners, they say on the tv. They have little red hats and little cars. How do they know they're ghosts and not aliens?

2:45 Realize the woman with the dress isn't Melissa Rivers. I was wondering about that. The scroll banner on the screen says it's Rosana Talvarez or something. Oops, my bad.


2:50 Bored. Read newspaper. Changed channel. Cool! James Bond is on SpikeTV. Moonraker....probably the worst of the Bond films, though. About a space shuttle and that metal teeth guy.

Weed man still hasn't shown up.

Kathy Griffin on some show on E! called "Best of the Worst of the red carpet". Here's a drinking game. During the interviews drink everytime an actress or actor says, "like".

3:00 Weed man shows up. Suddenly don't hate Emmy's quite so much.

3:05 I'm hungry, going to the grocery store.

3:45 Back. You know that song, "Too High for the Supermarket"? Yeah, that's what it was like. Plus, somehow I got pickle juice all over myself. Going to shower.

4:27 Came to type all this into the computer. I do this on paper because I'm poor and don't have a laptop and wireless.
2:35 Got bored. Played with dog.

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Decided that this would be easier to read if I did it chronologically.

What are these shows? I just realized I don't watch them. I watch House, and Gilmore Girls, and Angel reruns on TNT and The Venture Brothers on Adult Swim.

Do you think Metaloclypse will get an Emmy? I highly doubt it. The Emmy's reward mediocrity. Nothing too weird can make it through.



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4pm, Just relized I lost track of time. I'm really stoned, this is good stuff.

Got bored again. Played video game. Made spaghetti.

Came back...oh, around 6.
Who are you wearing seems to be the question of the night. Howie Mandel is wearing Dior. I'm wearing a ten year old Ghost in the Shell tshirt and Fruit of the Loom boxer/briefs.

Ryan Seacrest is talking to Simon Cowell. They look like the top of a gay wedding cake. Their tuxedos match, except Simon isn't wearing a tie. Ryan is totally hot for Simon.

Someone asked Jeremy Piven to give Tom Cruise career advice. I'm sorry, but Tom hasn't screwed up that bad yet. Jeremy Piven's claim to fame is PCU and probably having sex with Lindsay Lohan. He's not even on the same planet as Tom.

Someone said, "Aubergine is the new black." Uh, no, aubergine is the new eggplant, and eggplant is last years purple. If you didn't know, aubergine is French for eggplant.

Hate is still the new black.

Barry Manilow is so old he had to postpone his hip surgery to be at the Emmys. That's not a joke, it actually happened. I think Barry Manilow may be the new Frank Sinatra.

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Actual show....I had no idea Conan O'Brian could sing. Whatis NBC thinking, "Hey we're losing anyway so let's let all the benchwarmers play?"

Patrick Dempsey is on tv? I thought his career was over after "Can't Buy Me Love". I would have thought he was buried in a shallow grave...if I ever bothered to think about him.

Bored Again. Maybe I'll come back to this when I can get some pics of the new "aubergine".

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Got some pics. Wrote long detailed analysis of why I don't care who actually wins. No one will even remember in two weeks. Computer crashed and ate it. Oh, well, it's not like I'm writing "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" here.

How long does this damn thing last? I may have dozed off, there. When will it end?

Frak this. I'm going to bed.